Kathryn

Last February 16, Monday, and February 19, Thursday, our pups Cally and Nguyen succumbed to Parvovirus infection.

It is very difficult for me writing this entry since I am still mourning due to this sad lost. They’ve been part of our family and have brought more smiles to all of us than we could’ve imagined. Somehow, there is a pang of guilt and remorse. First, because we never really paid much attention to completing their shots on schedule. Secondly, because we only got to enjoy them–bond with them, play with them, cuddle them–for a brief 4 months. Too short but too precious for me and Jesper.

Time lost is time lost forever.

Moral of the story, don’t hold back feelings. Show people, or pets, how important they are to you. And don’t ever think that you are over-doing things. There is no such thing as OA when love is involved.

We really miss you, Cally and Nguyen...

Snow drops keep falling on my head…
La la la la la la la la la la la la la…

Hihihi..
First time to witness a real snow storm that lasts for hours..
Hmmm..

Life is, indeed,  beautiful after all…
So,
live it..
And love it. *wink wink

24 hours before the much-awaited flight.
I’m so excited… and I just can’t hide it! C’mon c’mon. =D

April 22, 2007 at about 7pm
    I felt my stomach strangely being hyperactive. It churned audibly. And it ached severely and occasionally, causing me to lose my appetite and just let all the sumptuous foods lie there, waiting for me and begging for them to be tasted. I opted to rest in our bedroom after having some of the spaghetti and lumpia roll. When I talked to one of my co-workers, I again felt the pain on my abdomen causing me to do the knee-to-chest position, hoping it would ease the discomfort. It afforded little relief so I thought maybe I just needed to rest it. And so I told my already worried betterhalf that all I needed was to sleep and that it’ll all be gone by morning. I was wrong. The whole night I was awake because of the pain that’s increasing in severity and frequency. Much like contractions when somebody’s going into labor. But I was damn sure I wasn’t pregnant. I just had my monthly period. When I fall asleep every now and then that night, all I dreamed about was me being taken to the hospital. I even saw myself being brought to the ICU. My God. "This has got to stop," I told myself.

April 23, 2007, past 7am
    I was brought to the ER of The Medical City. I saw some familiar faces whose questions were one and the same, "O, anong nangyari sa’yo?". And, you bet, I told the same line to each of them, "Sobrang sakit ng tiyan ko!" I was treated not as VIP but I felt the extra attention, and the "caution", I guess, knowing that I know what they’re doing. I was too weak to even manage to stand or sit up all by myself so I was assisted the whole time; when I was sitting at the wheelchair to transferring to-and-from the stretcher. I was asked to fill up a form. Thank God I was already entitled to the hospitalization benefits for TMC employees. My initial vitals were taken. Then, I was wheeled to one of the cubicles where my husband stayed with me. Thank God he was there. When they had to take my CBC, it was his hand that I held firmly. They also had to do PE on me, asked for a brief history, and all those routine stuff. The ER-ROD and MIOD (DR. Maguslog and Intern Fuentespina, respectively) who attended to me were familiar because they’re assigned in our unit sometimes.

at about 8am
    When the result of the bloodworks was in and I was again experiencing the agonizing pain on my abdomen, they inserted a heplock and gave me Buscopan IV. The pain went away for just an hour. I was already crying because, at that time, it was all I could do. I felt so helpless. My husband, whom I know was really bothered, couldn’t do anything either. All he could do was to hold my hand and caress my face to assure me he’s just there.

at around 9am
    I was transferred to the observation room. They’re still waiting for my urinalysis specimen. I couldn’t pee because I had very little fluids that day. And I also peed before we left so it was hard for me to produce the specimen. I asked my husband to buy water so I could drink and submit my urine. Even if I really felt nauseous. True enough, when he got there, I vomited. It was greenish. I drank some water before lying again. I was really exhausted. When they injected Plasil IV, I began to feel very anxious and all those terrifying thoughts just entered my mind. "What if I just lose all the oxygen in my body and my O2 sat hits the lowest?" What if I die?" It was really horrifying.

12pm
    I must’ve slept for an hour or so. I woke up with my mom’s gentle kiss on my cheek. She brought in food. But I was still too weak to eat. I was able to submit a urine sample.

at around 1pm
    I was referred to an OBROD, Dr. Sy. She was nice. She had to do an IE and then I was also brought to the Women’s Health Center where a transvaginal ultrasound was done. A certain Dr. Milan was there. Before I left, Dr. Sy said that OB-wise, the results were OK. My ultrasound showed normal endometrial lining in connection with my menstrual cycle. There were no significant findings so I was cleared from OB standpoint. I was then referred back to the service of Medicine.

1:30pm
    I got back to the observation room. I thought (and hoped from the time that I got in) I would be referred to the Department of Surgery and would consequently be admitted for further observations. But, instead, I was surprised I was prescribed Cefuroxime axetil (Zinnat) BID for 7 days and Buscopan PO TID for pain. The next thing I knew, the nurse was already pulling out my heplock and my mom was being assisted to the cashier to get my clearance. If it was any consolation, we didn’t cash in even a cent. Whew! The benefits of being an employee.

1:40pm
    I was discharged with the impression of UTI. All Dr. Maguslog could say was "Even if you’re not experiencing some of the symptoms, the tests revealed there’s a blood in your urine which could be indicative of UTI." But ofcourse there’d be blood in my urine because it was my 4th day of menstrual period! Dr. Sy made it clear that it was perfectly normal considering that I was still menstruating. Whew! The diagnosis of acute appendicitis would have been more acceptable, given the signs and symptoms.

    Anyway, when I got home, my mom gave me a refreshing sponge bath. Gosh! Can you believe it, a 24-year old woman, already married, with no contraptions, being given a sponge bath?!? I bet it’ll cause some of the Nursing Aides’ eyebrows to raise. But, what can I do? I admit I yield easily to sickness. My body become very weak, as if I’d potentially die from mere weakness.

Today, April 24
    I did as I was told, to rest for one more day. I had to take a leave from work today. I had to miss the skills lab in Makati (part of our Acculturation program). I also had to absent myself from the CFA workshop. I missed a lot today.
    But as my concerned loved ones say, "’Wag mong abusuhin ang sarili mo dahil ‘yan ang magiging puhunan mo sa States,""’Wag mong nila-lang ang rest dahil mas mahal pa sa ginto ‘yan para sa’yo. Mag-rest ka hindi dahil sa maysakit ka,"  "You still have a long way to go so I hope this is a wake up call for you, telling you to take care of your health…"
    Oh, God! I really thought I’d succumb to that test. If there’s one thing I realized yesterday, it is the fact that IT’S SO DAMN HARD BEING A PATIENT! Heck!
    I’m getting better now (thanks to all those worried pips who took the time to visit and call/text me. The gesture is well-appreciated.). My appetite is improving. I still have occasional bouts of abdominal pain. But it’s more bearable now. I try to increase my oral fluids. And I take my antibiotic even if I’m quite skeptic as to what it is for. Hihi.

  I SURVIVED!

Yesterday, 2nd of April 2007, was, by far, the most TOXIC day in my entire more-than-a-year-old stay in the hospital where I’m currently working. I can’t put into writing or even words everything that transpired and all the emotions that I felt during the whole 2-10 shift.

I’m really used to being busy as soon as my shift starts. I’m serious about my job. If I need to starve myself for 8 hours or so, I will. Just to do my job. Just to satisfy my patients. Just to make sure that their needs are being attended to. That’s how I take my job. It’s about caring for other people. And that’s what I do. Even if, most of the time,  it means setting aside my personal needs (you won’t even realize that you haven’t peed for the whole shift, because you literally didn’t eat or drink anything).

Ofcourse, sometimes, I tend to forget other stuffs like requesting for lacking meds for the day or follow up diagnostic procedure results, etc. But as soon as I remember, I make sure to call the unit or text the incoming nurse to endorse it to him/her. Yes, endorsement transcends the hospital setting; you can do it while you’re stuck in traffic on your way home, or before you lay your tired body to bed and give yourself a good sleep.

But, sometimes, all these efforts are just not enough. As how my co-worker puts it, "Halos sumuka ka na ng dugo, parang wala ka pa ring ginawa sa tingin nila". I guess it’s because all they can see is the picture that they’re into–their own needs and demands, not realizing that you’re caring for more than one patient. Plus you carry out numerous doctors orders. And, ofcourse, you have your charting and all those routine activities that you do on the side. Put all these together, all at one time, just to put it simply, "iikot ang pwet mo!"


It ain’t easy being a NURSE (Well, come to think of it, you can’t consider any job trouble-free). You serve people. You work your ass out just to attend to other’s needs. It feels good to hear "thank you" or "you’re a good nurse". You feel re-energized, as if you’re shift is just about to start. But it’s really frustrating to hear "kanina pa kami tumatawag, di ka nagpupunta" or "naku, pa’no ka makakapagtrabaho nyan sa states?". It tears you down. It destroys the remaining strands of strength you have within you. And it breaks your heart. Knowing that you did your best. You went that extra mile. But all they saw were the things you didn’t do well, not the efforts you so unconditionally gave.

I can’t blame the co-workers that we lost because of the demanding job that we have. But, on the other hand, I applaud those who stayed amidst the countless incident reports, traumatic doctors, and difficult patients.

In the end, it’s all just a matter of choice. Or, sometimes, it could even be a matter of  "no choice". *winks

lost in the middle of nowhere…
so dark..
with no one to hold you when you’re scared;
no one to dry your tears and kiss the pain away..

you feel so alone,
utterly broken inside;
yet something breaks every bit of you even more…

exhaustion keeps dragging you down.
and you feel the lowest..
empty.

but you choose to fight.
even if it means fighting all by yourself.

"… and the song’s incomplete here in my life… boy, in my life, something is missing…"

Hay! First day of this seemingly decades of loneliness.

At times like this, I feel like I need to busy myself so as not to be consumed by the painful reality that I’m missing somebody.. Somebody who "happens to" complete me.

The last two days of his stay here before he left for Sweden, I was sad. Yet, I didn’t cry, up until we brought him to the airport. I was smiling when I hugged him and waved goodbye. I said to myself, "He should bring with him one of my sweetest and most adorable smiles." I applauded myself for being "strong". Or so I thought.

Last night, I wore his shirt, hugged his pillow, and foolishly sang while crying. Boy, I surely miss him… A great deal!

And so I realized that maybe I was only suppressing a feeling that has been there since he broke the news to me. I thought I’m prepared for this. I thought the fact that it’s the third time would console me. I thought being busy would keep me from thinking of him, from missing him…

But I was wrong.

Beau, I miss your cute round belly… your weird dance moves… your sweet smile… your irritatingly loud snore… your corny but still funny (atleast, for me) jokes…

I’M MISSING YOU BADLY…

I miss a place where…

they say ‘eat in’ and ‘take away’ instead of ‘dine in’ and ‘take out’.

they understand ’slippers’ as ‘bathroom slippers’ (so when you mean slippers as in pambahay, say ‘flipflop’).

they spell it as ‘enquiries’ rather than ‘inquiries’, ‘authorise’ instead of ‘authorize’, ‘organise’ to ‘organize’, etc.

post offices can be located in malls; you’d get to literally shop in it because of the wide variety of merchandise like candies and chocolates, toys, books, cds, etc. (’course, they also sell cards, stamps for collection).

as contrast to the ‘Pinas setting where you’d go inside the mall para magpalamig, there, you would want to get in because you want to be sheltered from the coldness and have a little heat enter your body.

they have a system when it comes to escalators: people who aren’t in a hurry and idle position on the right side while those who are rushing can freely walk up/down the escalator using the left side.

policemen don’t carry guns (can you believe it?!).

‘one way’ or ‘two way’ are called ’single’ or ‘dual carriageway’

you can just slip in a dishwasher all your dirty dishes, wait for atleast an hour and, voila, they’re practically clean again and ready for use.

you’d have no problem with drying your clothes if you have a tumble dryer; it dries clothes at mainit-init pa pagtapos.

you gas your car up yourself and then pay at the counter after (hehe, good opportunity para sa mga mandurugas?? i don’t think so…)

there are no MMDAs, just speed cameras everywhere that could record every road violation you make. And they’re already installing smart cameras that could zoom in to see your car’s plate number!

Riding a bus is not as traumatic as it is here in the Philippines (kung san sumasakay ka palang, umaandar na at super bagal pa ng takbo dahil nagpupuno pa ng pasahero); they have designated bus stops where buses can only load or unload passengers (at kahit pa malapit na ang bababaan mo, di talaga nila ihihinto hangga’t wala sa bus stop). They also have a sleek screen where you can see the estimated time of arrival of the buses so you’d know how much you’d have to wait.

matataba ang mga pusa at may line of fashionable clothing ang mga aso (e.g. Burberry’s, Chanel, etc.).

there are already navigators like Tom Tom or Navman (You just enter your destination and in a matter of minutes, it would show you possible routes, alternate routes in case of heavy traffic, etc. It even prompts you when there is a speed camera. And the long list of tasks it is able to do moves on…)

you can only drive an RHD car; and for you to have your license, you have to have a supervised demo driving.

flashing your light means you’re making way for the other car, in contrast with how we do it here.

they seldom honk their horns because honking your horn there has a connotation of being "impatient"

it’s no biggie na mabasa sa ulan dahil wala kang payong (pwera lang kung super bumabagyo na).

you can have your parents go with you during an interview when you enter college (kulet ‘no?)

there are no bus conductors, only ticket machine that dispenses a valid journey ticket upon payment to the driver.

Marks and Spencer can have a whole department store just for itself (and you can find veggies, fruits, meat, flowers, cakes, etc. sold there)!

phonecards for cellphones are like ATM cards that can be used over and over again provided that you load it up in an authorized dealer (store) so that it credits to your cellphone number.

they have an expression rubbish meaning "non-sense" or "crap" and they address you as my love, love, or darling even if you’re a total stranger.

fries are termed as chips.

Sunday is strictly a rest day (well, ofcourse, except for those working in hospitals).

you still have to get a TV license for your tele (that you have to pay for every year) in order for you to use it (When you buy a TV, they ask you your address to check if you already have a TV license. Lupit!).

you can engage into a conversation with a total stranger without feeling uncomfortable about it. They’re very friendly!

it is common to see an 8-year old riding a stroller! My God, napaka-comfort-seeking nila! As in!

In short…

I miss UK…

She must have felt this a thousand times before.

But this time, it’s a lot more intense;

Like a virulent virus

Engulfing her system.

She’s trying too hard to suppress the overwhelming feeling.

But the more she does, the stronger it becomes;

Threatening to destroy the very core of her being.

She’s losing track of everything–

All her dreams, all her desires.

Her life was once the envy of all those around her.

She lived it to the fullest.

She danced, she sang.

She wrote poems about the beauty and madness of life.

She made friends, she laughed.

She managed to keep her life intact amidst all the dilemmas she’s come to face with.

She went crazy, she did silly things.

And she WAS happy.

When she realizes that it’s the very thing she longed for,

That life she thought she wanted all this time,

Is the exact definition of her perfect destruction,

She gradually withers.

Oblivious of the world outside of hers–

A world that breathes and emanates vibrance,

A world possessing life.

She saw it coming,

Yet she shrugged it off.

Not wanting to entertain the fact that she’s dying inside.

Not wanting to face the blinding flash of the obvious…

Her life is altogether vanishing

Like a withering flower…

Hay, sarap ng feeling ng makasama mo ang co-workers mo na malayo sa workplace n’yo. It really feels different in many aspects; surroundings is one. Iba ‘yung nagkikita kayo sa ospital halos araw-araw at ‘yung nagkakasama kayo sa isang lugar na walang bahid ng ka-toxic-an. ‘Yun bang andun kayo para maki-relax at maki-unwind sa iba pang mga taong andun for that very same purpose. Tapos ‘yung mood din. Very light. Tawanan at kantahan, at syempre may "moments" din ng ka-sentihan.
At iba rin ang bonding ng outing talaga. It’ s a very good avenue to get to know the people you spend most of your time with. You’d definitely see the deeper and lighter side of everybody. Although, syempre, may mga sundot pa rin ng pagiging nurses at NAs. Hehe. Nananlaytay na talaga sa dugo?!? *Why not? =)

I really had a good time. At kahit pa papasok ako tonight (to jumpstart my being a month-long night shift nurse), wala akong sama ng loob ‘coz I’ve already had my dose of anti-stress session with my 4A family. =)

So there… Back to the real world na po tayo.